Dumb Things Not to Say to International Adopters

DUMB FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS and more.........

Prospective parents of children from China know that a great big world of wonder and joy awaits them. They should also know that a smaller world awaits them that involves acquaintances, co-workers and total strangers asking ridiculous and/or tactless questions as well as making thoughtless and/or bizarre statements in a wide range of inappropriate situations. The following is but a small sample of these little gems. I am sharing this as an educational tool of what not to say. I owe all the glory to others- as not all have happened to me yet.


DURING THE ADOPTION/WAITING PROCESS

"Do you think you'll ever be able to have your own children?"

"Did you see that "Law and Order" or "Dateline" where those people that adopted from...?"(fill in any horror story concerning international adoption.)

"Did I ever tell you about Joe Flern? They adopted (fill in any number from 2 months ago to 25 years ago) and that child was just a mess!" Then they regale you with the tragic, usually totally-irelevent-to-you details. Then they ask happily, "Aren't you afraid something like that will happen to YOU?"


WHEN YOU RETURN FROM CHINA WITH YOUR CHILD....

"How much did she cost?"

"Couldn't you have your own children?" and everyone's favorite:

"Are you going to tell her who her real mother is?" "I am her real mother" "No, no. I mean, are you going to tell her who her REAL mother is. You know!"

.....OR THOSE SPECIAL MOMENTS WITH THE KINFOLK......

Q: "What if she turns out to be ugly?" A: " Then she'll fit right in with this family."


And no one is ever really prepared for the unmitigated thrill of.....
DFMS - DUMB FREQUENTLY MADE STATEMENTS:

"The Chinese throw their children away because they don't know it's wrong."

"It's terrible the way they just kill their little girls, isn't it?"

..........Now there is no sin in making tactless comments or having a bad case of Blurt-itis. However, when these statements are made in front of our children, most of whom understand English quite well and all of whom have a great capacity to internalize their pain, it brings up certain Mother (or Father) Tiger feelings.

Let's pause to enjoy the heart stopping beauty of the...........
DFMC - DUMB FREQUENTLY MADE COMPLIMENTS:

" I think it's so sweet the way she ( referring to my daughter ) calls you 'Mommy'!"

"My friend's son adopted a girl from China, and they're all so cute with those little slanty eyes."

and, upon seeing the referral pictures :
"She's really pretty - she doesn't even really look Chinese."

AND WHO DOESN'T ENJOY THE CLASSICS?:

" That's so great you've adopted! I bet now you'll be able to have one of your own!"

"That's so great you've adopted! When she grows up, she'll be so grateful."

"They're sisters? Real sisters? Do they have the same mother?."


Her: "Is she yours?" (after observing my daughter and I for about 20 minutes laughing, hugging, etc.)
Me: "Yes"
Her: "Is she natural?"
Me: "She looks pretty natural to me."
Her: "Is your husband Chinese?"
Me: "Nope."
Her: "You don't look Chinese.Pause.
Me: (silence as I gather our stuff to take our leave .....)
Her: "Are you?"
Me: "Me? No. No, I'm don't think I'm Chinese"."
Her: (exasperated and yelling as we walk away)"Well, SHE looks Chinese, you know!!!!"


.....PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO CONGRATULATE THE WINNER OF THE 2005 "LOVE HAS NO BOUNDARIES" AWARD.

It's the guy who said to his sister-in-law: "As a true American, I don't think that I can support international adoption."